Tuesday

The last two Tuesdays have been perhaps the coolest Tuesdays I have ever had. The first one was last week.

A member of ours (we'll call him Tom, for the sake of anonymity. After all, this blog has tens of readers.) suggested a couple of Sundays ago that Jake (one of the other assistant pros) and I get together with him and play some golf. This happens frequently. Members love to talk about playing with us, and we love to entertain the thought. Typically, we know we will never play with them because they don't really want to play with us, and we don't really want to play with them. But Tom is a younger dude who has always come across as a great guy, and he's a member who I thought I would actually like to spend time with on the golf course. So Jake and Tom suggest playing Tuesday so we start to get to pound out the logistics. (For the record, Tom inherited most of his millions and makes a few shekels renting commercial property, so he doesn't spend much time in the office.)

So the next day we start to consider when and where we're going to play, and we realize that the forecast is for pouring rain all day Tuesday. We decide to call it off and reschedule, but Tom has another idea.

"Let me call my pilot and see if he's available," says Tom.

This is a statement that I find completely incomprehensible. But then he goes on,

"The plane I want to take is too small for all of us and our golf clubs, so we'll have to take the jet."

Oh. Okay. Sounds good. The jet.

He calls back.

"Yeah, he's around. How about Bandon Dunes?"
"In Oregon?" I ask.
"Uh, yeah Kev. That's the only one. Forecast looks good there. We can beat the rain."

This is how Tom beats the rain.

The next morning, we arrive at a small executive airport south of Oakland, round the bend into his hangar, and see this WTF?

Tom show up and asks if we know the forecast at Bandon. We shrug our shoulders.

"Okay, let me check. If it's raining there we'll just head over to Vegas and play at my club over there."

Hah. But it turned out Bandon was sunny, so we forged on to Oregon.

Here are some pictures I took from inside the plane

Jake on the left, a man I call Uncle Larry on the right. Don't let
the bald spot fool you; Uncle Larry is a party animal
















Plenty of legroom in the CEO seat, thank you very much





























Clearly I did not take this, but it's a better view of the interior. Tom's was configured a little differently. Pretty sick.

Google for more images. This thing was amazing. Plus, I'm fairly certain that we convinced Tom to hire a topless midget to serve drinks. Baller.

The golf was great, too. Two of the most incredible courses I've ever seen laid right on the Pacific. Plus, I took a caddie for the first time which was a super awesome experience. All of this and I only had to pay for my caddie and lunch for the boys. Pretty amazing experience.

This is a bit long, so I'll post about today later on...

Everyone Likes Tiger but the Racists

When you have too much media, like, say, America does, people in media tend to say a lot of insane things because they more or less run out of sane things to say. Sports media is particularly vulnerable to this because, first, the passion people have for great sports oftentimes overshadows the history of sport. So when some person or team delivers an incredible performance, the media tend to freak out and coin whatever happened as "one of the greatest of all time." Generally, this is because it was just so fucking exciting to watch and they're all so jazzed up by it that their perspective is eclipsed by passion. And second, people love to be around history. People love to believe they witnessed something that was so uniquely special that they go out of their way to convince themselves that what they saw was one-of-a-kind. Just ask anyone over 50 who lives in Pittsburgh. You'd think Three Rivers seated 275,000 people because every single one of them was there when Franco Harris made the Immaculate Reception. So the media people show up on camera and decide that this is their chance to be the guy who was the media guy when X did something that will become part of unforgettable sports lore. ESPN eats that shit up.

So today Tiger Woods did the following things at America's national championship of golf. The U.S. Open. The Super Bowl of golf.





And then there was one other equally amazing thing that isn't on the YouTube so therefore doesn't actually exist in the annals of history at this time. But it doesn't really matter because most of you don't give a poop about golf so this is useless to watch anyway. But take it from an Ass Pro, this shit was was B-A-N-A-N-A-S. And the greatest thing about it is that Tiger is like 6 weeks removed from arthroscopic knee surgery so every so often when he swings he recoils in pain and then limps down the fairway. It's getting to the point where his caddie is going to have to carry him between shots, Byron Leftwich style.

Anyway, I'm chilling out here watching everyone who has anything to say about the U.S. Open describe how this was possibly the most off the charts round of golf in history. The same golf that has been around for 300 years. I think for sure it was one of the most dramatic rounds in recent history, considering the stage and the condition of Tiger. Watching him swing and then clutch his knee and then make insane birdies and eagles from all over the field while trying to win the most important tournament of the year was amazingly compelling. But considering he didn't even shoot the best score of the day, I hardly think we can start labeling today's round one of the best rounds ever.

Tiger Woods makes everything one million times more exciting than they would normally be. Uh, on a golf course, at least. I bet a Tiger woods amusement park would be sweet too. Or something. But i think it's important to chill out for a minute and just remember that while what he did today was dramatic and exciting, it wasn't really a very good performance. A bounce one way or the other would have made today just another crapola round with Tiger hitting tee shots into concession stands and pegging spectators with wayward iron shots.

Besides, none of the shots he hit today was nearly as awesome as this one. Stick with it. It's worth it.:



Yowza.

Stood up by Jim Leyland

From time to time, my golf club will get requests from athletes or coaches or actors or other assorted people of note to play a round of golf when they're passing through San Francisco. And in order to keep the peace with the membership of the club, and to make sure the people dropping in treat the course with some sort of respect, one of us assistant pros will play with them.

Today I was supposed to play golf with former Pirates and current Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland and "a couple of his coaches." This had me extremely excited, because that meant that in addition to playing with Leyland, I was possibly going to be playing with other former Pirates coaches and players who are currently on his staff. This included Lloyd McClendon, Gene Lamont, Rafael Belliard, and Andy Van Slyke.

Andy Van Fucking Slyke.

I think every boy born in Pittsburgh between 1978 and 1984 had Van Slyke as one of his heroes. Or if he didn't he was a jerk. But Andy Van was my favorite Pirate from those awesome early 90's teams and without a doubt is my favorite Pirate of all time. I can't even remember why I liked him so much. I vaguely recall him sporting awesome anti-glare, reasonable hitting, and making a handful of diving catches.

Anyway, Leyland and his entire staff stood me up as I waited around the golf course for like 90 minutes when I could have been sleeping. So screw off, Jimbo.

But you, Andy Van Slyke, you hang in there, buddy.