Looking for a Feed of the Sharks/Canucks Game

And within two clicks came upon this website. For whatever reason this spammy broken English still makes me laugh. Example:

Vancouver Canucks vs San Jose Sharks Live : San jOse is of return in the end of conference of the season by second consecutive year and third time in its history, but first victory in this round is looking for his. The Sharks were sweepings by Chicago Blackhawks of the past season and lost to Calgary in six parties in 2004 

-. Vancouver is of return in the end of conference for the second time and the first time from 1994, when it reached the end of the Stanley Glass before losing before the Rangers. The Canucks and the sharks are not known in playoffs. Equipment of Reach: Sharks - the arrived one up to here after wasting an advantage of the series by 3-0 before Detroit in the semifinals of the Conference to only gain Game 7 to 38 thanks saves by Antti Niemi doorman and the goal of the victory outside wood Patrick Marleau is. Marleau did not register a point in the first six parties and two periods against the Network Wings, but its objective 12:13 in the third period was the difference in Game 7. Niemi, one season like champion of the Glass for the last time the Blackhawks "

This is nearly indecipherable. But the best part is the stuff that is decipherable is only fifty percent correct.

Never change, Internet.

I do not Want Your Facebook Spam

Look man. We are Facebook friends because I knew you in high school. Had some classes together I guess. I do not remember. You sent me a Facebook request, I said whatev and clicked yes.

We never hung out. Never even sat at the same lunch table. If I saw you today, in a bar for instance, and you bought me a drink, I would have to ask the bartender if he knew who you were, because without looking at your Facebook page I can not remember what you looked like. I do not need to get these from you.

I appreciate that you are trying to get people to go to your fundraisers. But I do not live in Pittsburgh, so I cannot go. You really should look at my Facebook profile more often, since we are friends and all. If you did you would realize that I do not live in Pittsburgh so I will not be able to make it to your fundraiser. Sorry.

Also, you have lots of fundraisers. You seem like a great guy. Did you do fundraisers in high school? I do not remember if you did or not because we were not very good friends. Either way, I do not need three notifications per fundraiser.

Say, what is 3rd Earth Fireproof anyway? Some kind of global-warming advocacy group? Oh wait! It's a clothing company for fucking firedancers. Awesome. This is a really great thing here. Where do I send checks?

You are blocked

I do not Want Your Facebook Spam

Look man. We are Facebook friends because I knew you in high school. Had some classes together I guess. I don't remember.You sent me a Facebook request, I said whatev and clicked yes.

We never hung out. Never even sat at the same lunch table. If I saw you today, in a bar let's say, and you bought me a drink, I would have to ask the bartender if he knew who you were, because without looking at your Facebook page I can't remember what you looked like. I don't need to get these from you.

I appreciate that you are trying to get people to go to your fundraisers. But I don't live in Pittsburgh, so I cannot go. You should really look at my Facebook profile more often, since we're friends and all. If you did you would realize that I don't live in Pittsburgh, so I won't be able to make it to your fundraiser. Sorry.

Also, you have lots of fundraisers. You seem like a great guy. Did you do fundraisers in high school? I don't remember if you did or not because we really weren't very good friends. Either way, I do not need three notifications per fundraiser.

Say, what is 3rd Earth Fireproof anyway? Some kind of global-warming advocacy group? Oh wait! It's a clothing company for fucking firedancers. Awesome. This is a really great thing here. Where do I send checks?

You are blocked.

Trust me, I'm an Expert

You might not want to read this. Especially if you are at work.

Twitter? I Barely Knew Her

After my last tweet (third lifetime tweet), Dallas Cowboys offensive tackle Marc Colombo decided he wanted to follow me on Twitter. Is this something that happens? My tweet said,

"last night i dreamt i went to a secret pizza party with aaron rodgers"

Why did Marc Colombo read this tweet? And why did he decide to start following me? Please help me understand Twitter before I start a Twitter war with Marc Colombo in which I bash his shitty team and his UNFORGIVABLY shitty heavy metal band, Free Reign.

And Now for Some Photos!

Here we have Carmina's fake hockey boyfriend taking in a Knicks game at MSG with one of the Olsen Twins Justin "Beebz" Bieber. This was a bad idea, Henrik. 

Now feast your eyes upon Kurt Warner sporting one of the most spectacular JC/phallic graphic tees we have seen in recent memory. Is that a fighter jet banking hard and up on the far right? Maybe that's how Jesus got to heaven. In an F-22A Raptor.  

There was a Man at the Gym Today who Smelled Like a Meatball Sandwich

And I learned something. I like meatball sandwiches. I like the smell of meatball sandwiches. But as it turns out, I really hate the smell of a person who smells like a meatball sandwich. If I had closed my eyes and not known that the meatball sandwich smell was coming from a person, I would have loved it. But the second I realized it was coming from a person, I was instantaneously nauseated.

To make matters worse, Meatball Sandwich Man had the industrial-power fan cranked up to eleven blowing his meatball odor all over the gym.

San Francisco

Sometimes I feel like everyone I see in this city is in a contest to see who can dress the stupidest.

Jack LaLanne was the Man

"I did have some ball-busters," Jack said, referring to signature exercises such as the killer, the eraser, the gooser, the gut-butt-getter, and dozens of others. "Now, you listen to some of these so-called sports-medicine experts today--shit! It's just shtick. It's just something else to sell. Warming up," he scoffed, adjusting a red ascot fitted neatly into his jumpsuit, "warming up is the biggest bunch of horseshit I've ever heard in my life. Fifteen minutes to warm up! Does a lion warm up when he's hungry? 'Uh-oh, here comes an antelope. Better warm up.' No! He just goes out and eats the sucker. You gotta get the blood circulating, but shit, does the lion cool down? No, he eats the sucker and goes to sleep. And that," he concluded, folding his arms into a variation of the pose, "is the truth."

"Jack," I ventured, "did you invent the jumping jack? Is that you?"

"I'm not completely sure on that one," he said thoughtfully. "But I think so."

I never really knew anything about this dude until I read this article. It's worth your time. This man was out of control. 

Championship Weekend

To my surprise, I have been asked by no fewer than ten people who I think will win the games this weekend. These people seem to actually value my thoughts. No clue why. I'm guessing it's because they all know how much I like the Steelers and they want to see how much of a homer I am or something. Anyway.

Packers over Bears, because Jay Cutler kind of sucks and nobody seems to remember that. They barely beat the Lions twice, and got smacked around by the Seahawks (regular season) and Redskins (!). Easily the worst 11-5 team in the past 300 years.

But they beat the Packers at home already this season!

Is true. And this was also one of the worst games the Packers played all season. Check out the stats. The Bears earned 13 first downs on their own, and were awarded 5 by penalty. In fact, the Packers racked up 152 penalty yards in that game. And they turned the ball over twice. And they let Devin Hester run back a punt for a touchdown. I don't remember watching that game, but it looks to me like the Packers beat themselves more than anything. And Jay Cutler is just DYING to turn the ball over four times.

Because I am a pussy, I will not predict the Steelers-Jets game. Not gonna do it. I will only say that if the Steelers allow a special teams touchdown they will lose. And the winner of this game will have at least one key player suffer a concussion and miss the Super Bowl because he won't pass any of the tests, leading to a huge controversy.

Tone Coming to Town

Rex Ryan says when Santonio Holmes is called upon to do something awesome it is called "Tone Time." With Brad Smith, the Jets' usual punt returner, nursing a sore groin, I can't help but have visions of Number Ten in green and white streaking down the sidelines taking advantage of the Steelers' miserable special teams coverage at a crucial point in next week's game. 

But I'm more excited for LaDanian to visit the Steel City. Hopefully he'll autograph my copy of his hit CD, featuring this work of art directed by the guy who invented Geocities.

I don't like that call. Not a very good call. 

Web(b) of History

While watching Joe Webb absolutely crush it the other night against the Eagles, Carmina and I compiled a brief list of other impressive Web(b)s throughout history.

• Spud Webb
• Jim Webb
• Webster Slaughter
• Webster's Dictionary
• World Wide Web
• W.E.B. Dubois

I think that's pretty much it. Joe Webb could go down as the greatest Webb ever.

Special Teams Ride the Short Bus as Steelers Fall to Jets 22-17

The Steelers lost to the Jets at home, who last week lost to the Dolphins at home, whom the Steelers beat in week 7, but who lost to the Bills* at home today. What does this mean? What does your face mean?

The Steelers had a pretty nice opportunity to take care of the Jets and the Panthers over the course of 5 days and lock up a first-round bye and give themselves a nice 24 day stretch where they wouldn't have to worry about playing any meaningful games and Ben and Troy and Heath and whomever else could get healthy. But they blew this opportunity by spotting the Jets seven points, taking three penalties of Bengals-level stupidity, and suffering an epic, boner-killing safety late in the fourth quarter (Why is Mewelde Moore the running back on that play instead of Mendenhall? WHY, BRUCE?).

Now the Steelers REALLY have to try hard against the Panthers on Thursday night (at the exact same time the Pens play the Capitals, btw). Hopefully their special teams play today was just an aberration and this isn't the start of them reverting back to their 2009 form where poor tackling and generally shitty coverage lead to several crippling touchdowns and losses to the Browns.

The defense really isn't the same without Troy. CBS flashed some graphic in the first quarter of today's game listing the Steelers' record with and without Polamalu. I forget the numbers but that shit was frightening. They just do not win without that dude.  Make sure you ask Santa for a healthy Polamalu this Christmas.

I'm not too down on the defense though. They only allowed 13 points. One touchdown. And that was aided hugely by Ryan Clark's patented Human Missle Unnecessary Roughness Penalty (good at least once per game!), turning a 15 yard gain into a 30 yard gain. And even then the Jets had to win their gamble on 4th down and 1 from the 7 to get the touchdown. The Jets scored 9 points on Defense and Special Teams. Just can't let that happen. Especially against good teams.

Finally, Big Ben is a fucking beast. What do you think was going through Santonio's mind as he sees Ben leading his team down the field in the waining seconds of the game? Ben's fumble on 2nd and 10 from his own 41 was a real crusher. Cost them 14 yards, 10 seconds, a down, and a timeout. Brutal. But that was an unreal drive. Great game all around from My Favorite Accused Rapist of All Time (MFARAT).




*Have you looked at the Bills schedule? Freaking impossible.

VANESSA! VANESSA!

Crosby Sucks

Frank Gore Breaks Hip, Will Miss Rest of 2010 Season

San Francisco 49ers running back Frank Gore suffered a broken hip in San Francisco's 27-6 thrashing of division rival Arizona Cardinals Monday night. Gore was hurt during San Francisco's first offensive possession of the game. After briefly returning later in the game, Gore left for good and veteran backup Brian Westbrook took over. Gore was unavailable for comment following the game. He was seen leaving University of Phoenix Stadium aided by a cane.

dramatization - artist rendering

CROSS

Game Ball: The Sepulverizer

Would you, Steeler fan, recognize this man if you saw him at Silky's? 

5 touches, 254 yards, and he's buried at the bottom of your boxscore. He is not on anybody's fantasy team (unless your league sucks and has punters). There was not a single person in Heinz field yesterday who was wearing a jersey with his name and number on it. That's because he's some punkass punter. But Daniel "The Sepulverizer" Sepulveda gets my imaginary game ball for his performance in the Steelers15-6 victory over Matt "The Anointed One" Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons.

You never notice a punter until he shanks one out of play at the most critical moment of a game. Kind of like how Mitch Berger did every game of the 2008 season. Yesterday Sepulveda was everything Mitch Berger (41.3 yards per punt in 2008) never was. 5 punts at an average of over 50 yards per punt. The Steelers had three consecutive three-and-outs after their opening drive. Sepulveda had to kick from his own 19 twice, and 25 once. Each kick went over 50 yards, with one going 55. Kicks like that helped the Steelers stay in the field position battle which ultimately kept the Falcons off the scoreboard.  His other two punts came from his own 17 and 25 again. 

So good on you, Daniel Sepulveda. I hope you got laid last night. 

Joe Flacco

Football starts Thursday, so everyone who has access to the internet is publishing predictions for everything from who will win the Super Bowl to who will win the NFC defensive rookie of the year or some shit. Every year I read NFL predictions I say I'm going to keep track of what all the experts predicted then review their picks when the season is over to see just how accurate they are. I never do this. Except this year, for this one prediction that everyone is making that is driving me insane. 

The Ravens making or winning the Super Bowl because Joe Flacco is just so great he is going to take over the league.

3 of nfl.com's 7 experts have the Ravens making the Super Bowl. One dude says they are going to win it. 4 of espn.com's 16 experts have the Ravens winning the Super Bowl. One of them has Joe Flacco as MVP of the league this year. 

John Clayton ranked all the QBs in the NFL. About Flacco, he says:  

JOHN CLAYTON QB RANKING (12): In two seasons, Joe Flacco has passed for 6,584 yards and has guided Baltimore to three road playoff victories.

Joe Flacco's stats in those three wins:

2008 @ Miami: 9 for 23, 135 yds, 0 TD 0 INT 

2008 @ Tennessee: 11 for 22, 161 yds, 1 TD 0 INT

2009 @ New England: 4 for 10, 34 yds, 0 TD 1 INT

For the record, his stats in his two playoff losses:

2008 @ Pittsburgh: 13 for 30, 141 yds, 0 TD, 3 INT

2009 @ Indianapolis: 20 for 35, 189 yds, 0 TD, 2 INT

It seems that the Ravens have won in the post season in spite of Flacco, not due to his leadership. He has proven to be a solid regular season QB, but sometimes good regular season players struggle with the pressure of the post season. Maybe he'll turn it around this year, or maybe the loss of Ed Reed and Ray Lewis getting old (he's 35 now) will be too much for them to deal with and they won't even make the playoffs.

Anyway. I hate Joe Flacco.

Heat Wave!

Today

As I sit in my apartment, which doesn't have air conditioning, because usually nobody needs air conditioning ever in San Francisco, I realize that I have become a total pansy when it comes to extreme weather. And by "extreme" I mean "colder than 45, warmer than 75." So seeing my car register 100 today made me just about poop my pants with fear.

I used to be impervious to extreme weather. -10 in January. 98 in June. No big deal. Three years in San Francisco and now I can't handle a little heat.